Sunday, April 7, 2013

The Meaning of Life and The Secret To Eternal Happiness

My inbox has been inundated with letters from fans seeking advice. Who am I to deprive you of my genius, life experience, and genius (Yes, I know I said genius twice). But before I answer any question or offer my invaluable advice, we need to get a couple of things taken care of, right up front. Here's the deal:

I'm not your therapist. In fact I'm not a therapist at all. I am not licensed and never went to college. They won't even give me a fishing license; you think they're going to give me unfettered access to antipsychotic meds? Hell no! I only do this column to amuse myself at your expense.

Follow any advice you find here at your own peril. I just make this shit up as I go along, people. Read it all you want. Bookmark it, share it, whatever; but if you're dumb enough to actually take my advice, you deserve whatever you get.
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Dear B.T.,
What is the meaning of life?

Aimless- Paducah, KY

Dear Aimless,
This is the question I am most often asked. I have searched the universe for the answer. I have deciphered the bible code, traveled to the farthest reaches of the Earth, read the works of all the great philosophers, and all roads lead back to the same answer.

Is it love? No, believe it or not, the meaning of life, the very reason for our existence, is much simpler than that and easier to attain. Money? Family? God? Nope, nope, and nope. Turns out the meaning of life and the key to eternal happiness is Bacon! Pork fat, in general, is the glue that holds the universe together; but bacon is the key to it all.

Think about it. There's nothing on this Earth that isn't better with bacon. Add a few slices to a peanut butter sandwich and it becomes an exotic treat. Eggs without bacon? Perish the thought! Music? Sports? Sex? All better with bacon!

For decades, scientists around the world have searched for the key to a Grand Unified Theory that explains the whole universe; never guessing that it was right in front of them every time they sat down to breakfast. The Mayans knew the secret, though. Why do you think their calendar ends in December, 2012, right on the eve of a predicted global bacon shortage? They knew that the bacon supply would run out, and when bacon is removed from the equation, the universe collapses.

There you have it.  Remember, such knowledge holds great power, so use it wisely! The hand that holds the bacon, rules the world!


Was It Good For You?

Dear B.T.,
I am a 26 year old single woman, and I find that I can't get enough sex, lately. Is this just a phase? I've been going out 5 nights a week, looking for partners. I usually have sex on the first date, and sometimes we don't even get to the actual date. I seem to be addicted to indiscriminate sex with whomever I happen to see. The problem is that I'm developing something of a slutty reputation in my home town. What can I do?

Hungry- Birmingham, Michigan

Dear Hungry,
The reputation is easy enough to repair. Move to a new town. Once you've moved, seek professional help. You're going to need some serious counseling, and as luck would have it, I have an opening in my schedule! Call my office for an appointment immediately. I'm thinking we should meet 5 nights a week. Oh, and bring bacon.

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