Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Ain't Love Grand?

Today we're helping a nice couple celebrate 38 years of marriage and exploring one of the wonders of our solar system. But first, my attorney insists that I tell you a couple of things.

I'm not your therapist. In fact I'm not a therapist at all. I am not licensed and never went to college. Hell, they won't even give me a fishing license; you think they're going to let me mess around in someone's head? I only do this column to amuse myself at your expense.

Follow any advice you find here at your own peril. I just make this shit up as I go along. Read it all you want. Bookmark it, share it, whatever; but if you're dumb enough to actually take my advice, you deserve whatever you get.

It's What's For Dinner

Dear B.T.,
B.T. EvilpantsLast Monday was our 38th wedding anniversary. My husband and I decided to celebrate with a quiet evening on the sofa, watching Honey Boo-Boo on TV. I love that little dickens! She makes me feel so much better about my own family.

The power went out right in the middle of the show and I went to search for flashlights and candles. We live way out in the boonies, here, so a power outage usually lasts for hours, and sometimes even days; so I was quite surprised when the lights came back on after only a few minutes. I was even more surprised to find my husband of 38 years standing behind me with a very large knife, a jar of Grey Poupon, and a loaf of bread!

He said that with the power outage and all, he was worried about the food in the fridge, so he was going to make a roast pork sandwich before the meat spoiled. That would have seemed like a reasonable explanation, except that I saw the way he was holding the knife over his head, and the look of mayhem in his eyes. Besides, who puts Grey Poupon on roast pork? Yuck!

B.T., I really think he meant to kill and eat me that night. Since then, I've been afraid to turn the lights off at bedtime, and I've developed an aversion to roast pork. I really don't want to live in fear every time the lights go out. Won't you please tell me what to do about this?

The Other, Other White Meat- Bald Knob, AR

Dear White Meat,
You certainly do seem to have a dilemma on your hands. This is somewhat outside of my area of expertise, but I'll go ahead and take a stab at it anyway (no pun intended!).
There are a number of possible causes of intermittent power outages. Your local electrical grid is a complex system of junctions and relays. The problem could be anything from a failing substation (the power company's problem), to a loose wire in your breaker box (your problem). My best advice to you is to call a qualified electrician to get an accurate diagnosis. Oh, and congratulations on 38 years of marriage!

Fun In The Sun

Dear B.T.,
Thank God the summer is finally over! I really hate it. All that heat kills me. You know what I'm talking about, right? It's the kind of heat that makes your butt crack all sweaty and gives you a rash that makes you walk funny.  And there never seems to be a way to get away from it! The burning question, here, is why is the sun so friggin' hot and can we get the government to fix it? Is there a petition I can sign or something?

Sweaty Butt Crack- French Lick, IN

Dear Butt Crack,
You're absolutely right! The government can fix anything! I suggest writing your congressman to demand a solution. He's not doing anything productive anyway, and your request might give him something to ponder. I'm sure we'll see the Solar Radiation Abatement Act any day now.

As for why it's so hot in the summer, well, that's another matter. I could give you the scientific explanation of why the sun is so hot, or I could pontificate on the theological ideologies on the subject. The problem with these explanations is that many of my readers are not very bright. A lengthy discussion of the inner workings of the universe would likely leave them scratching their heads; so here it is in layman's terms.

At first glance, our sun looks like a shiny yellow ball of light, but a closer inspection reveals that it may actually be on fire. Numerous studies have shown that objects that are on fire tend to get very hot. This is still only a theory, mind you, but your sweaty butt crack and unfortunate dermatological condition seem to at least offer anecdotal evidence that it's true. By the way, I hear they make a cream that will clear that rash right up. You're on your own with the butt sweat, though. But I digress. Back to the matter at hand.

Through years of research and experimentation, scientists have determined that you can lessen the heat's effect by staying close to something that is less hot. I've also heard rumors that engineers are currently working on a machine that can turn hot air into cold air. It actually "conditions" the air around you, so to speak. So far they have only been able to make it work in confined spaces, such as a house or apartment.

Hope that helps!

No comments:

Post a Comment