Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Advice For The Broken Hearted

 It's time for Ask The Jackalope! I have lots of great advice to hand out this week, so let's get some legal crap out of the way and get right down to business.

Disclaimer- I'm not your therapist. In fact I'm not a therapist at all. I am not licensed and never went to college. I only do this column to amuse myself at your expense.

Follow any advice you find here at your own peril. I just make this shit up as I go along. Read it all you want. Bookmark it, share it, whatever; but if you're dumb enough to actually take my advice, you deserve whatever you get.

Now that we have that all taken care of, let's see what's in the mailbag.

Psycho Hose Beast

Dear B.T.,

I've been in a relationship for the past 6 months. It was amazing in the beginning. She was beautiful, funny, witty, and just clingy enough to be cute. 

As time went on, the clingy thing intensified, and now it's becoming a pretty big issue. Funny and witty have been replaced with jealous and psycho.

She calls me at work every 20 minutes, just to make sure I'm where I'm supposed to be. When I get home from work, she's waiting on my front porch. If I'm a minute late, she demands to know why and who I was with. Just lately, she has taken to calling me "Daddy" which, frankly, is a more than a little disturbing.

I know I need to end it, but I'm afraid there will be a big confrontation. More to the point, I'm terrified that after I break up with her, I'll wake up stapled to the carpet with a bag of rabid ferrets over my head. In retrospect, I suppose the fact that her last boyfriend died that way should have raised a red flag, but she told me that was a freak accident.

I'm really stuck for an answer, here, B.T. How the hell can I get away from this psycho hose beast with my life and limbs intact?

Trapped- Truth or Consequences, NM

Dear Trapped,

You're absolutely right. You have to end this, but it has to be done delicately. I've been in this position more times than you would believe, and I have found that in cases like this, it's best to avoid any kind of confrontation. A breakup of this nature is going to be a three step process.
First, the breakup. In a case like this, a face to face discussion is out of the question. I suggest a text message. Make it short, sweet, and to the point.

Second, throw your phone into the nearest dumpster and get a new one. You're going to need a new, unlisted phone number. Also, ditching your phone helps to ensure that when she tries to track you via the phone's GPS, she won't get any further than the dumpster behind the "Pack-N-Go."

The third and most important step is to run.  Run as fast and as far as you can. When you think you've put enough gone between you and this psycho hose beast, run some more. The opposite end of the country would be good; a whole new continent would be better. It also wouldn't hurt to change your name, but that's optional.

Good luck. Let me know how it all turns out!

Hell Hath No Fury

Dear B.T.,

After 6 months of absolute bliss, my boyfriend dumped me. He didn't even have the decency to do it face to face. He just sent me a text message that said "We're through. Don't call anymore." Can you believe that!?

I tried to call anyway, but his phone seems to have been disconnected. I've driven past his house a couple dozen times, but it appears to be deserted. I think he may have moved away.
I gave this guy all the love I had to give. I called him at work every day, just to let him know I was thinking about him. I waited outside his house for him to get home from work so that he knew I was always there for him at the end of a hard day. I even called him "Daddy" because…well… that's not important. The point is, after 6 months of devotion, he just left. Do you think it's really over, or is he just playing hard to get? What should I do?

The Woman Scorned- Truth or Consequences, NM

Dear Scorned,

You're right, he may just be playing hard to get. I've been in this position more times that you would believe, and I've found that in cases like this, it's best to not take "No" for an answer.
The good news is that true love always triumphs over adversity. I can't tell you exactly what to do here, but a wise man once said: "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, hunt it down and keep it chained to a wall in your basement." If you need the name of a good private detective, send me a private note. I know several!


Dear B.T.,

Remember me? You told me to dump my girlfriend and leave town. It worked out great! But I have a new problem. I've been in the new house for a few months, living under an alias. Lately, I've noticed a guy with binoculars and a camera with a very long lens sitting at the curb outside my house. Do you think I'm in some kind of trouble?

Trapped Again- Papua, New Guinea

Dear Trapped,

I'm sure it's nothing. You have a new home, a new name, and a new phone number. What could possibly go wrong? Still, better safe than sorry, I always say. You might want to keep a hacksaw blade concealed in your shoe from here on out. You know, just in case. There have been a few disappearances in New Guinea recently. You would be surprised at how many people fall asleep and wake up disoriented and chained to basement walls!

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